Details In the Fabric

A good friend of mine came over the other night and we spent some time hanging out outside my house, talking about regret and self-doubt (cheery, I know). It got me thinking about why this time of year always gets me more introspective than usual and what I came up with was this: I think that time overlaps so that certain times in the present are tinted with nostalgia from the past at certain times in the year--like you can be sad on December 21, 2019 and not know why--but that sadness is resonance from December 21st 2010 when your friend died. Time does not move forward--it moves around, like scotch tape winding around a ring of cardboard and winding around itself until there is nothing left.

Sadness resonates. Sadness can be maddening. If it were a substance, I think sadness would be coarse-- thick and viscous like syrup poured on your pancakes as a child or the blood of a diabetic man  And I think sadness is okay. It is difficult to escape but it also tells you how much you've lived--I suppose if one day you became diabetic, it would remind you how much you enjoyed your pancakes. 

I am not too sad tonight but me and my friend's conversation (late reaction, I know haha) did put me in quite an introspective mood. There are more things I don't regret than those I do, but there are days when I suppose you can't help but think about these things--not to wonder about what would've happened if you were a better person, but to wonder if indeed, you are a better person. I hope I am. 

This song really puts things into perspective, I think. 

Are the details in the fabric?

Are there things that make you panic?

Are your thoughts the result of static cling?

Introspection | Sincere Friendship Interactions

Today, I heard from a friend of mine who'd been out of the country for a while--he messaged to let me know that he's back. And because I'm incredibly naive sometimes, I thought that he meant to tell me this so that we could organize a dinner of some sort or hang out and catch up, finally--we haven't seen each other in almost a year; August 2011 was the last time I'd seen him, at an event that didn't go too well (although the music was excellent). 10 months later and I am definitely expecting some quality time or at least the want for it.

So, I get this message (via Facebook, nonetheless) and I ask what he's got going on, expecting an invite to dinner or to hang out--and he says, "I'm joining this competition thing, can you help support me at an event tomorrow evening?" And wow. I'm not saying that I don't ask my friends for help, I do but not like that--it felt like someone making a cold call, like in networking or marketing and that is something that offends me. There was no care whatsoever for what the other person was going through, or no desire to find out what was happening on the other end of that conversation. And I guess it's alright, people get busy--I myself am not the best person at catching up or making time but I don't think I'm ever rude or hurtful unless threatened. Hay. It's just so sad, I guess.