Letter Writing (C&F, Post 5)

Today was difficult. No photo today, just this song and this letter--written to keep whatever it is that must be kept, at bay.

July 16th 2013

And just like that, I am writing these goddamn letters again.

I no longer think that JRR Tolkien's bit about Frodo's wound was too far removed from reality. At the moment, I am lucky enough to have a physical manifestation of the way I feel about this (whatever this is) on my inner upper arm: that way I can blame that for whatever discomfort or lingering unease I feel. It's a bitch to heal a tattoo. And it's there forever, just like Frodo's nazgul peclat; it's there just like whatever that was that is whatever this is. But unlike those two things, this tattoo is a scar I chose, so I don't mind it all that much.

I wish I'd met you when I was younger--like around 14 or 15. The younger someone is, the more change per unit time they undergo and in the time I haven't talked to you (3 years-ish), if we'd met when I was 15, you would be history by now. 

Between the ages 15 and 18, so many things change: friends, school levels, routines, musical taste.

Don't get me wrong, between 20 and 23, 19 and 22, 18 and 21 a lot of change happens as well--but they're things like fashion, shoes, your preferred exercise routine or your religion--despite all that you are already, for the most part, yourself.

For instance, I don't drink a lot anymore and I'm 4 tattoos more used to the discomforts of healing and I'm a year closer to leaving this place that reeks of you and I exercise everyday and I eat well and (I think I) write a little better but I am sadly, still me--I'm still writing this letter, I still won't be able to help but put this up on my blog that I still feel no one reads; that is still the only way I can keep writing in it.

I am still introspective and more sentimental than I'd like most people to know. I'm still the kind of person who does "typical artsy girl" things like watch sunsets and pretend I can still do something new: even if I know it is passe to need to be so fucking different.

And yet all the reasons for me being this way aren't really there, anymore: I don't know why I get sentimental because I don't have a lot of things to get sentimental over. I no longer actually do anything that's much different than everyone else because I don't have any idea what it is people actually do, anymore: I get up, drink coffee, shower, go to class, go home, do Yoga, take a bath, write, head to bed. I have no idea if that's what typical people do but I would like to believe it isn't, even if it probably is. I still think of myself as a friendly person, even if I have stopped talking to strangers: you would too, after that whole shenanigan.

The way I figure, you used to be a stranger too and I should've left things that way. Now, you're a stranger again. Reversal reactions never happen without something being lost in the process; sometimes the in-betweens just aren't worth it. What did I lose, then? Why do I go through these bouts of emotion and not know what it is that stimulates them? When I think of you, I am thinking of regret and of sadness but I don't have anything concrete to hold onto: am I thinking about you, who I can barely remember? Am I thinking about what happened? Not really. 

Am I thinking of my regret, or yours? Am I thinking about my sadness or my sadness for you or your sadness for my sadness for you? 

The thing about tattoos is the ink gets all muddled in with the skin.