Only Seeing Part of It

The past few days have gone by pretty quickly for me because so much has happened. Thinking back on it makes me feel a little odd because so much of my time has been spent socializing and talking to people that I don't normally talk to. This entry is pretty introspective, so read along if you'd like or skip ahead if you'd rather not--but I would really love to know what you think. :)

1. On Friendship. I realized lately (okay, maybe not lately) that I've been sort of afraid to make new friends. This is mostly because I'm afraid of two things: a) being stuck in social obligation-type situations with people who I don't like all that much and b) hurting people. I'm the kind of person who can be defiant and honest and frank but also the kind of person who was raised in a very Catholic manner--meaning I can feel guilty for almost anything. I've been working on this, but there are just days when the guilt eats away at you and nothing--not even a Gilmore Girls marathon--can make me feel better. Also, condition b works mostly for boy-friendships, I guess--in the past, most of my friends who are guys have ended up liking me (I don't say this proudly, by the way) just because the way I am naturally is very personal. I like knowing about people's lives and I like hearing their stories and I have a tendency to go out of my way to hang out with people. And this is so often misconstrued as a different kind of like. Last year, after a humongous friendship-explosion with my kidney-disease friend I'd decided that I never wanted to feel like that again: I felt so guilty that I felt like my insides were being sucked in by an enormous magnet and every time I thought about it I would feel like crying. Also, I felt so friendless--suddenly there wasn't anyone to tell all the things I'd tell this one person. And I just never, ever want to feel that way again. But then a part of me also wants to get to know more people and listen to more stories so I keep trying which exhausts me. I really don't know what to do about this, yet. 

2. On One-on-One Interactions. In general, I don't like hanging out in groups of more than four (except when they're all people I know already or sort of got to know in a group). I get distracted by all the things going on and I really hate when someone interrupts someone else talking; I'm the kind of person who really likes to listen, perhaps obsessively (and unfortunately, given the type of world we're in). And I have this huge pet peeve where friends bring people I don't really know too well to catch-up sessions and it's just awkward for me. Plus, a lot of the people I know who are available everyday--even people I used to hang with one-on-one--like hanging out in groups. And I just can't take it. It's incredibly stressful. 

I have this one friend who I used to hang out with one-on-one before he gave into the cesspool of insecurity bubbling up inside him; nowadays he likes to be surrounded by at least four people all the time and I hate it. I can't tell these people I don't know about certain things or my fears or what I'm excited about. It makes me feel terribly alienated. But also, the saddest thing is that I don't think I'm surprised. 

3. On Arousal as Betrayal. I figured this out lately, that physical arousal can feel like a sort of betrayal. It feels so dishonest when someone who you think is your friend stops talking to you or even worse, keeps talking to you because they might like you or whatever and sometimes it just isn't worth the effort of going out there and making your way past small-talk to friendship. It's like suddenly, instead of a person, I feel like I am minimized to a nameless girl who this person would like to stick it in. It's like if I weren't a mildly attractive she-thing, would you still be interested in what I have to say? It's a bit disheartening. I'm just so sick of those type things happening. I don't think it's worth the possibility of meeting a friend who will be genuinely interested in what you have to say. Luckily for me, I have a lot of guy friends who are great and who see people for people and not their genitals--although unluckily, I don't see them a lot because of different schedules or different geographical locations. 

4. On Only Seeing Part of It. The picture above is a photo of the Sports Complex parking lot as taken from my friend's apartment. And I like how you can only see part of whatever it is you're looking at. I realize that can be a scary thought too, but it's more relieving than terrifying for me; if I can see only part of the picture then maybe the rest of it isn't so bad. At the moment I'm too exhausted from all last week's socializing and I'm too tired to try and talk to people I don't quite know yet but I guess I'll get up the strength to do that again one day. I'm extremely grateful for the people who are in my life and who let me listen to the things they have to say--like Trizha who let me read this super interesting article and who is working on her latest comic or Akire who tells me about studying for her exams and how boys have cooties or Joelle who pours so much of her heart into art cards and texts me about things that happen in her day or my friend Ron, who even if he is silent via chat/text most days, always has a book in his bag to share when we do get to talk or Franny, who I don't see very often (once in three months, if scheds permit) but who always has something cool to talk about on her blog and who I know will always want to know if something interesting happens in my life. I have so many great friends (not to mention a wonderful bestfriend/boyfriend) and this past week made me incredibly appreciative of that. :) I know I didn't mention everyone here, but then this blog post would take an additional week to get through.

5. On Reading as Interaction. One of the reasons why I love blogging so much I guess is that I also love reading other people's blogs. Sometimes, people can say in a blog post so much that they can't say in real life. Like if you talked to me and I didn't know you very well, I might tell you about a book I'm reading or a class I'm taking but I would never be able to tell you all that I've just rambled on about in this entry. Same goes for reading, I guess--it's like a pocket of listening that I can take with me wherever I go and it's extremely, extremely comforting. :)