Rediscovery, Moving Forward

A couple of weeks ago, I posted about reading Breakfast At Tiffany's and since then, I've re-watched the hell out of this classic and it reminded me about why I started this blog. This began as a blog called Holly Golightly Sitting Alone In The Back of A Taxi (a mouthful, I know) which was dedicated to trying to figure out who I was (am?) and therefore arrive at some semblance of stability (which Holly finds, in the movie version). That was in 2011. 

I'd just been through the worst kind of break-up: a break-up with a friend and I really felt like I needed to figure out why it was that I'd acted the way I had. Why was it that I couldn't be honest? And why was it that I felt like I needed to be able to leave everything? Why was it that I felt like I needed to be the center of someone's universe? And why couldn't I deal with that not being the case?

I think that was the first time that I'd ever been the dumpee in (any kind of) a relationship. It struck me that it hurt so much when the person "breaking up" with me was someone who wasn't even with me--much like Paul Varjack, I guess. And re-watching it after almost two years has got me reinforcing my belief in the importance of keeping a blog or a diary or some kind of log of realizations. I think writing things down helps you deal with things that you can't say yet--not to yourself, not to anyone else.

Photo c/o google search.

Here are a couple of the things that I realized, over the past two years of writing in this blog and trying to become (or remain? I'm not sure) a somewhat sane person:

• Almost everything is a choice. I used to be the kind of person who cut herself a whole lot of slack. If something went wrong, well that wasn't my fault. If I was too fat or too thin that was because I was in an abusive relationship--whether abusive in a way that made me not want to eat or in a way that made me want to eat a lot, the point is I felt like it was something that wasn't in my control. If I was in love with someone but didn't tell them, it was because they didn't ask. If I got into trouble, it was a matter of circumstance. If someone was mad at me--it was probably because I was drunk when I said whatever I said to hurt them. Nevermind that I had to tip my elbow to get that way. Most things are a choice--even neglect--and I think it's the avoidance of this simple truth that keeps us unhappy or unproductive. I've learned self-discipline. 

• Life is understood backwards. I used to be the kind of person who didn't believe in regret or in thinking about things you can no longer control. I think that's probably the result of too much Tumblr-surfing. So often, these "inspirational" messages are really just easy ways out of a situation you deserve--a defense mechanism more than a true way of coping with anything. So in line with the first point, I think it's important to think about the things that sting, as well. I have learned honesty. 

• Stitch up your spine, keep your suitors in line. My parents are people who've always valued work more than mushiness or more than togetherness. I don't say that in a bitter way, just in a true way. And growing up, I think I was always looking for some kind of present-ness in people. I was always looking for someone to be there for me, to take care of me--whether it was in a teacher, a bestfriend, a lover--I was always looking for someone who would do the dirty work: drive me home, take me out to dinner, tell me wrong from right. Also, the attention was nice. I don't blame my parents for anything--I'm sure they just do their best but I was looking for someone to raise me. And now I think you just have to raise yourself: slap yourself on the wrist if you need it, give yourself a prize if you deserve it, get yourself home. I've learned to be responsible for myself.

I may add to this, soon. :) Class time now!