The Thing That Breaks My Heart

Halloween is something that I look forward to every year--for years Halloween's been about spending the whole day getting ready and at around 4:30 or 5:00 (or 9:00) heading to someone's house or to an art bar somewhere to celebrate while wearing that year's face of choice. But this year, I was extremely exhausted at Halloween--the whole day had been an event unto itself and by the time it came time to "get down" and "partay" I just had no energy left. This was a shame too as a) the food was delicious and b) I went as a genie, but I didn't seem to be the only one who felt that way--in fact, while I was hanging out with my bestfriends we all recounted how for the first time, we'd spent the day doing something other than getting ready for Halloween.

And while I know that that's normal and people get older and all that, a part of me still doesn't quite believe that getting older is an excuse for not having a good time at Halloween. I mean, the party we were at was attended mostly by people 10-15 years older than me and they all seemed fine.

Today was sort of cathartic for me. As I was waiting to be picked up by my car this afternoon, it hit me why things like that just break my heart--I hate that something which I used to look forward to effortlessly is now something that I have to "find time" for. It feels that way with a lot of things too, sometimes--friends who used to come by as per your request at midnight or who used to surprise drop by suddenly need at least a weekend's notice to see you. It's sad, really sad.

But on the other hand, I suppose that making the effort and being worth someone else's effort is a great thing in itself. I'm glad that (despite the obvious backlash of sadness it brings) I still care about my friends enough to see them and vice versa. Today was a good day. :)