Sisterly Love

I thought I'd start today off with a big Happy Birthday to my beloved sister, Ate Ria! :) Since she lives in Vietnam, I couldn't think of much to give her for her birthday, so I think this post will have to be enough. :D My sister and I are two very different people--she's very organized whereas I'm one of the most burara people I know; she's very assertive while I can be very quiet and passive-aggressive about certain things (yes, sa lagay na 'to passive nako, as compared to the rest of my family). Our age gap is pretty big--she's 14 years older than me--and because of this, growing up we never really fought or anything except over borrowed clothes and me being messy and tactless things we've said. 

We used to have lots of traditions like we'd go on joyrides during Christmas time and look at the pretty lights--there were also days when she would pick me up at school (back when I was in Grade School) and we'd drive through McDo and eat too much fries and drink too much orange juice. :) As I think I've mentioned on here before, a lot of the time growing up my sister was more of the mother to me, in the emotional sense. She went to my 6th grade play, when I played a street kid. She was the one who helped me get ready for my Junior prom and who stayed up with me after to hear me rant about all the things I hated and about how the boy I liked danced with someone else (see the photo above). And she took me out for Japanese food the day I broke up with my first boyfriend. I don't know what I would do or who I would be without my Ate. 

My sister is very loving and extremely intelligent and (especially lately) I don't think I've said this enough since we're so far away from each other and when I'm not busy, she's very busy and so on and so forth but I love her very much and am extremely proud to be her sister. :) I love you, Ate Ring and I wish you the happiest, happiest birthday ever! I hope this year is the best, yet.

Introspection | Doubt

Today I went out and had a great time with Keavin--we hung around Ayala and spent the day catching up and talking about what's been going on in our lives: he's working for Rainmaker at Alphaland now and he really seems to be enjoying the experience. I told him about the different offers that I've gotten lately and how I'm really enjoying blogging and being productive. Such a nice day.

This is about to get a little cheesy, so pardon me--Keavin is my family. This afternoon we were walking around aimlessly and we realized that we're both people who don't really have anywhere to go. Keav's home life isn't the best situation in the world. And my family--well, let's say (in ASOIAF terminology) we're very Lannister; they (yes, I have chosen to exclude myself) love you based on three things: achievement, utility (to them) and obedience (to them). My parents are very catholic and have succeeded in acting in the image and likeness of god, I think: worship me, or suffer. Not that they aren't nice people--they really are; they just aren't very nice parents. And that's alright. I don't blame them for that anymore, but also I have accepted that I will have to make my own home and find love and recognition elsewhere. 

Life in Outtakes

Here are some photos that I didn't post for one reason or another from the past month or so. :)) These photos are of me, my friends, family and Keavin (who, yes, if people are wondering--is my lover), mostly. :3 To more great months! Hahaha 

Rare photo of my friend Sulky Ron, smiling

At Ron's place, painting on the wall by Trizha Ko

White board at Ron's with writing on it that survived more than half a year without being erased

AHA! I found one of the photos from me & Keav's visit to Medical City when Ate Jhen had pneumonia

BLOOPER photo from the first few days I got my camera back in January

Blooper while shooting Outfit of the Day

Fixing my brother's guitar in the messy part of our house that's crowded with musical instruments, shoes and books--the things we value most

I can't remember why I didn't use this in an outfit post. It's pretty pretty.

I look slanted--so strange

Presley throwing a fit because she wants to model

Presley & me--she now reluctant to show any emotion in front of the camera

Presley with her mom, Ate Audrey

My brother, Kuya Mike wondering what on earth I'm doing

Taken before a Pampangga trip

With Keavin at the glasses store

The complicated thing about family

is that it is always difficult for them to accept that you are no longer a child. Most of the time, as anyone who knows me can probably tell you, I resent being the youngest because it gives you all the responsibility of being independent ("be a big girl, take care of yourself") and all the pressure of acting like a child--why is it, for instance that whenever my dad talks to me I must always resort to acting like I don't know anything about men or that I still care about whether or not a guy buys me flowers? I don't. But there will be friction once he realizes that even his baby is no longer a baby.

When my sister was home last Christmas, she semi-ambushed me with a sex talk and while I really appreciated the effort, I remember thinking--why now, at 21? Why not when I was 16 and lying on the bed with my ex-boyfriend who tried to strangle me? Or when I was 17 and someone who I thought was my dear friend stabbed me with a burning cigarette while he was high? Why not when I was 18 and convincing another ex-boyfriend not to kill himself? Heck, why not last year? Why now? And the answer came to me this afternoon: probably because 21 is an age where you can't pretend-away anymore. You can't classify a 21-year-old as an adolescent anymore.

Tomorrow my dad is going to meet Keavin for the first time since my 21st birthday party (which I don't think you can consider "meeting", exactly). I told him tonight that Keav and I are together and my dad looked like he was going to give me a sermon. And then he stopped and I think he realized what I realized: there was nothing he could say that was going to change my mind. My parents fell in love with my past two boyfriends and they're always so concerned with the petty things, it seems: bakit ikaw pupunta dun? bakit hindi siya pumunta dito?

What about understanding? What about being able to talk to someone about anything and everything? What about those things? What about someone caring about you and loving you so much that you feel like for the first time you're going to break not from someone hurting you or trying to get you to be someone you're not but from someone seeing you.

But they don't know these things. I cannot say these things because I am not someone with an opinion. I am their baby and I have to make them smile by being cheerful or naive. When I was in Prep, my teacher wrote in my year book "acts and talks like an adult". Ah, if she could see me now.

It makes me so sad sometimes. And I think I let them treat me like a child because it is less complicated. I hate hurting people's feelings. But also, we can't pretend forever. When we are adolescents we get to know our parents as people--that they had sex to have us, that they weren't always faithful, whatever--and that always seems difficult. But even more difficult than that seems to be them seeing us as people because it always comes tainted with a sort of malice--if they could afford it, I think they would like us to be dependent on them forever.

My dad is coming to Conspiracy tomorrow--and I've got two poems to read: one about fucking, the other about smoking. Huh. What to do, what to do.

I am tired of lying though.

When I was 12, my dad and I were eating at a carenderia and he lit up a cigarette in front of me for the first time in a couple of years.

"You know why I'm smoking in front of you?" he asked.

"Why?"

"I want you to love me for who I am. I don't want you to think Daddy's perfect and get mad when you find out he's not."

I nodded then, but I think it's taken me all this time to understand what he truly meant. I can only hope for the same understanding.