Introspection | Doubt

Today I went out and had a great time with Keavin--we hung around Ayala and spent the day catching up and talking about what's been going on in our lives: he's working for Rainmaker at Alphaland now and he really seems to be enjoying the experience. I told him about the different offers that I've gotten lately and how I'm really enjoying blogging and being productive. Such a nice day.

This is about to get a little cheesy, so pardon me--Keavin is my family. This afternoon we were walking around aimlessly and we realized that we're both people who don't really have anywhere to go. Keav's home life isn't the best situation in the world. And my family--well, let's say (in ASOIAF terminology) we're very Lannister; they (yes, I have chosen to exclude myself) love you based on three things: achievement, utility (to them) and obedience (to them). My parents are very catholic and have succeeded in acting in the image and likeness of god, I think: worship me, or suffer. Not that they aren't nice people--they really are; they just aren't very nice parents. And that's alright. I don't blame them for that anymore, but also I have accepted that I will have to make my own home and find love and recognition elsewhere. 

The coldness and non touchy-feeliness of my family I can deal with; that's how it's been since I was little and I don't really expect otherwise. But the thing that I hate about it is misplaced doubt (they doubt people, science, abilities to act) and even more misplaced faith (they have faith in people who've let them down, people who have done nothing to deserve good will, the much overrated concept of providence). Yesterday, I got a lot of e-mails and offers and sponsorship requests and so I decided to share that over breakfast this morning (like I said, achievements are at the top of our list re: topics to talk about). I was greeted with "the pay won't compensate for your costs." And after this, they went on to talk about a family friend of ours whose kid has been unemployed for 5 years. "I believe God will find him a job," my mom said. "He will provide."

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against god but--how can he provide if there is no physical medium? (Even Mary had to get pregnant to give birth) And how can you argue against what is present? How can you say a job will pop out of thin air when this family friend is sitting on his ass, doodling on paper? And how can you say that I will fail when I've yet to get in there? Frustrating--uber frustrating.

But also, I've decided that this doubt is a good thing too. I think about what I would be like if I had a perfect family that supported me all the way--honestly, maybe further ahead both in fashion and writing, but probably not as hungry to succeed and not as hard-working. Or maybe that's me rationalizing anger in an attempt to reach a state where empathy is possible? 

Anyway, I have reached that age where I think we make our own truths, to a certain extent. It is that age at which you no longer look to your parents for approval--you are the judge of yourself. Keavin and I were talking about how whenever we're together is the only time we're home. We're building a home for ourselves and I am glad that I have this. I've been homesick for so long. :) We save ourselves.