Disgust.

I think I first felt this as a child, looking at the remains of a centipede that I'd just crushed with my heel smeared all over the cafeteria floor.

Whenever I feel disgust, it always amazes me how visceral a feeling disgust is. Unlike certain reactions like liking something or finding something pretty, I don't think you can condition yourself to be disgusted in something (unless physically; I for instance, am now disgusted at the thought of drinking milk tea). I'm not sure there is such a thing as feeling mediocre disgust: either you feel it or you don't. You can never say something makes you feel-like-vomitting-ish, I think it's either you want to vomit or you don't want to vomit.

Anyway. I'm not a very squeamish person: I cut up cats in Anatomy Lab (sometimes without gloves) and I didn't find that very gross. I watched a reckless classmate of mine tear a living frog apart. I fell off a chair in the fifth grade, dislocated my knee so that the patella was where the crook of one's leg should be and I slapped it back into place, crack and snap and everything. I am not afraid of cockroaches. I don't mind killing them and it makes me happy to see all that green stuff on the floor, to be honest. The one household pest that grosses me out is the rat and that is because if I kill it, it's friends will probably kill me. When I was 17, my then-boyfriend had a rat the size of a small dog living under his couch. After it got stuck onto the rat-sticky-paper that it dragged around on its foot (it was that big) I was the one who picked it up and put it in a garbage bag that we threw onto an empty lot.

But there are still things that disgust me, I found the other night as I sat in the backseat of our car on the way home from work and my brothers were listening to this show on the radio that had people (mostly men) call in and talk about all the times they'd cheated on their spouses. One guy was talking about how this girl wanted him soooo bad even if he'd told her that he had a wife. Another guy was talking about how all other women automatically became more beautiful once you were married--marriage was stifling.

It made me want to throw up to think of these people being proud about lying to their partners. Terrible. I was also disgusted at the fact that they seemed to blame their cheating on the fact that they were married: motherfucker, if you don't want to get married don't do it. If you want to fuck around and have relationships without commitment then do that but be honest about it. If you got married because of social pressure and now cannot own up to it, then your biggest problem is that you are a wuss. Motherfucking pussies. Actually, no--I think the pussy is an amazing organ: it can take all that beating (forgive me for being a bit crass). These people are dicks. Kick it and it recoils.

Seriously. Ugh.